It’s been a bad week for high street retail (BHS/Austin Reed) so I thought I’d post this piece of grand guignol inspired by the promotions inbox of my gmail this time last year.
Laura Ashley would like to remind you that your spring wardrobe is crying out for the following essentials.
Ornate Lace Top and Magnolia Print Cardigan in blameless colours that cast no shadows, so your intended prey won’t be able to see you coming (matching wallpaper available.)
A selection of Push Lock Cross Body Bags (stain-proof with double zippers) in which to safely store your cheating ex-husband.
If you are heading straight for the beach, Laura Ashley offers a fast-track ordering service with the name of that blonde twenty-something slut in the Flower Bikini Briefs at the top of your hit list.
Alternatives are immolation in Organza Fit and Flare Dress for that special occasion, or a Falling Roses Tankini Set for a discreetly staged balcony suicide.
Laura Ashley recommends that before you stab your rival repeatedly with the Tropical Leaf Salad Servers you stuff an Organza Stripe Occasion Scarf in her mouth (yes, organza is so on-trend this season) and truss her ankles with a Blossom Bird Beaded Pashminetta before you wrestle her body into the trunk while hiding behind Diamante Detail Sunglasses.
Make your getaway complete by stepping on the gas in a pair of Metallic Moccasins teamed with Skinny Fit Ponte Trousers and Ruffle Front Blouse accessorized by Glitter Tear Drop earrings specially designed to dazzle the eyes and emotionally confuse any highway patrolmen reflected in your wing mirrors.